While we were waiting to bring Sunshine home back in 2010 and 2011, I learned as much as I could about fostering attachment. I tried to memorize all of the attachment advice. Build trust by meeting needs quickly, check. Be the only ones to meet all of her needs, check. Love unconditionally, check. Don’t let other people hold her, check. Wear her for as long as she’ll let me, check. Cocoon for a few months after coming home, check. The list goes on, but those were the ones that stuck in my head. The ones I repeated over and over.
Sounds easy enough, I suppose. Except, it wasn’t.
I prayed a lot and became very close to God during that time. Sometimes I got the attachment thing right, but I failed miserably many other times. Occasionally, I felt isolated because most of our friends didn’t understand. Many of our extended family didn’t understand either. Sunshine appeared “fine,” so I’m pretty sure a few of them thought I was being a controlling crazy person. It’s hard to put into words how much I desperately wanted to protect the bond with her! I should have done a better job the attachment theories back then though. Maybe it would have made more sense to everyone else. I had only a few friends to lean on for support in those firstmonths home. I relied on them and my husband heavily, and we pushed forward.
Fortunately, attachment came easily for Sunshine. I think her strength and bravery, coupled with the year with her foster mother really helped her thrive. I didn’t fully realize it then, but it was such a blessing! Over time, attachment became less of a concern as our precious girl blossomed into the child God created her to be. We became less about attachment based on her cues, but I always remained protective.
Hence the reason it took a year and a half before I was ready to leave her in the church nursery.
Fast forward to this past week. Over three years home with us. It was a big week of firsts. First Mandarin lesson with a new teacher. First day of homeschool co-op with a new tutor. First day of Community Bible Study (CBS) with another new teacher. First day on the IEP with a new speech-language pathologist. That’s a lot of firsts, even for an adult!
And you know what? She rocked it. Every single new adventure I threw at her.
Rocked all of it. When I picked her each time, she was beaming with a smile that cleared showed how happy she was. She has been asking for “dat Chinese wady” since her lesson. She has been singing the new songs she learned in co-op. And she said the only thing she didn’t like at CBS was “da bwocks” … I’ll call all of that a big win.
I couldn’t have been anymore proud of her, she tackled it all so beautifully.
As I reflected on Sunshine’s successes this week, I thought back to those first few months home. The intentional attachment parenting was worth it. Every bit of it. To see her effortlessly thriving in so many new environments is absolutely priceless. I have a smile on my face just thinking about how well she did. It can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel on some days, but the fruits of all that attachment labor are paying off in such big ways.
This is very encouraging Nicole. I’m glad that all your hard work and “controlling crazy person” antics paid off.
Lu, I’m so glad! It will always be ongoing, but it sure is rewarding to see the fruits!
Your post made me cry. I think because it was good to hear someone else describe a similar experience…that was hard…and so worth it. Hearing you explain that not many understand, even in the church, and how you and God became so close, it makes the stress, exhaustion, and alienation so, so worth all the struggle. What I wish was more apparent to people are the amazing miracles of love, bonding and discovery that emerged from the sacrifice!
Yes, yes, yes! It can be a difficult road to walk, but so worth it!